Well, butter my butt and call it a biscuit! If it ain’t that time of year again. That time of year when you have to plod through my tortured attempts to be clever and funny, all the time thinking to yourself, “This is like one of those SNL skits that just. won’t. end.” I’ve tried to hone my game, though. I’ve pored over Keegan-Michael Key’s The History of Sketch Comedy in search of tricks of the trade that will induce you to giggle like a giggle copter, roll on the floor collecting dust bunnies like a human lint brush, wring out hankies soaked with your tears. Alas, I cannot muster the comedic genius embodied in that simple phrase, “This is an ex-parrot.”
Instead you get my buttered butt and my pan-fried chest and neck area, both cooked to a crisp in the Sarasota sun. Me & The Boys were in F-L-A to catch a couple of Orioles spring training baseball games. They beat the Red Sox on Saturday with a walk-off bunt (or was it a blooper, or did he just almost whiff, whatever it was, it was ugly), and Sunday they blasted 6 in the 8th inning to beat the Braves. Our faces were melting, but we loved sitting just a few rows back from the field with up-close views of our favorite players; having easy access to the hot dogs, beers and lemonade; and then driving less than 10 minutes back to our Airbnb for post-game naps.
I repeat, I did not (yes, I did) follow this man or wait for him to come out of the bathroom to snap this pic.
I went for a few runs around town, past the many Ringling Brothers-related streets, buildings and institutions (Sarasota was where the circus used to winter), and tried to imagine Gulf Coast Living, and wondered at what point Mike would become a famed Florida Man. There would be the Saturday morning Farmer’s Markets spread over at least 8 blocks. So. Many. White. People. Sampling. Kombucha. Then there’d be those same 8 blocks filled with So. Many. White. People. Sampling. Different. Fermented. Beverages. at the St. Patrick’s Day Block Party.
The idealized daydream was broken winding through the beer-soaked block party on our way to dinner. The parking garage elevator doors opened, we filed in (Mike, Dell, me, two teenage girls, and a 60-something reveler carrying a beer and wearing green argyle socks) and there against the wall of the ‘vator door is a living statue performer — 100% Kelly Green — just hanging out, checking his phone, on his way to work as if everyone heads to work painted. We sentinent beings stared at our shoes. Said not a word. Blurred the lines of who really was chiseled from marble.
Florida Man Misses Circus Life, Frequents Elevators, Freaks Out Festival-Goers
Anyway, our other notable outing — besides our pilgrimage to the Florence Buc-ee’s … twice. Because: Jerky Bar — was on Friday, and it came in the form of each of us doing our favorite things: Mike fished all day on the Gulf’s shores, while Dell and I spent much of the day upside down on Busch Gardens Tampa Bay’s roller coasters.
Back in the Burg, it’s chilly-willy, we’ve got a sick Cat Commissioner who’s currently sporting a pink-bandaged leg and a neck cone, and we’ve cleared the rest of our calendar in preparation for binging on b-ball. The appetizer was supposed to be Tuesday night, but it turned out to be no more than an amuse-bouche when UVA scored a grand total of 14 points in the first half of its First Four game.
With our new addition since the last tournament — Sam! — we are now up to 45 (not counting significant others). At this rate — more marriages, more wee ones — it’s conceivable (see what I did there?) that we could eventually reach 64 family members for 64 teams. Most of the second-cousin generation got doubled up, as did some the older third cousins. The Dan(iel)s got paired up, as did their first-borns. And that left a 5-pack of younger thirds for their own entry.
But before we unveil this year’s picks, let us extend our atta-girls to Christine, she of the rosemary bum, who won last year’s tournament when her UConn Huskies beat the unlikely finalist San Diego State and Beth. The tournament was a wild ride indeed, with Miami — of all the ACC teams — reaching the Final Four, teams like Florida Atlantic and Creighton making deep runs, and teams like, ahem, UNC, not even showing up. (What a reversal for the Heels — from shut-out to #1 seed!)
So, without delaying any further, welcome to the 2024-Mostly-Annual-Rhyne-Blyth-Patterson-There’s-So-Much-Cosmetic-Surgery-Visible-In-Sarasota-(and-i’m-not-talking-about-the-circus’-bearded-lady)-That-Greenpeace-Has-A-Bay-Area-Plastics-Clean-Up-Crew-On-Standby-Hoopdy-Doo. In the order the names were randomly picked and then assigned:
| Addie, Auden, Charlee, Ginny, Teddy (5-pack) | Alabama (4-W) | Dayton (7-W) |
| Beth | Purdue (1-M) | Grambling (16-M) |
| Cora/Revi | JMU (12-S) | New Mexico (11-W) |
| Joe | Mississippi State (8-W) | Texas A&M (9-S) |
| Rivers/Susie | Auburn (4-E) | Grand Canyon (12-W) |
| Jim | UNC (1-W) | Vermont (13-S) |
| Susan | Northwestern (9-E) | Washington State (7-E) |
| Ellie | Akron (14-M) | Charleston (13-W) |
| Dan/Daniel | Kansas (4-M) | Samford (13-M) |
| Dub | St. Peter’s (15-M) | Long Beach St. (15-W) |
| Karen | Creighton (3-M) | Oregon (11-M) |
| Elizabeth | Marquette (2-S) | UAB (12-E) |
| Libby | South Carolina (6-M) | Duke (4-S) |
| Pierce | NC State (11-S) | Clemson (6-W) |
| Martie | Western Kentucky (15-S) | Illinois (3-E) |
| Mike B | BYU (6-E) | Utah St. (8-M) |
| Dell | Florida (7-S) | Yale (13-E) |
| Robert | Colgate (14-W) | Drake (10-E) |
| Caroline | McNeese (12-M) | Houston (1-S) |
| Katie/Dave | TCU (9-M) | Arizona (2-W) |
| Claire/Sam | Boise St./Colo. (10-S) | UConn (1-E) |
| Rowan/Simon | Gonzaga (5-M) | Florida Atlantic (8-E) |
| Rhyne/Zibba | San Diego St. (5-E) | Texas (7-M) |
| Elaine | Texas Tech (6-S) | Iowa St. (2-E) |
| Rebecca | Oakland (14-S) | Kentucky (3-S) |
| Dottie | Wisconsin (5-S) | Stetson (16-E) |
| Mike P | Nevada (10-W) | Tennessee (2-M) |
| Sarah/Kiran | Morehead St. (14-E) | Nebraska (8-S) |
| Carl | Duquesne (11-E) | Baylor (3-W) |
| Christine | St. Mary’s (5-W) | Wagner (16-W) |
| Megan | Longwood (16-S) | Michigan St. (9-W) |
| Gordon | S. Dakota St. (15-E) | Colorado St. (10-M) |
First off, congratulations to our #1 seed holders, Caroline (Houston), Claire and Sam (UConn), and the Power Couple of Jim (UNC) and Beth (Purdue). Beth can’t get too cocky, though, because her two teams play each other in the first round. Same with Rebecca (Oakland and Kentucky) and Dan/Daniel (Kansas and Samford).
Elaine has the lowest seed combination with 8 (Texas Tech at 6 and Iowa State at 2). Libby is next, with 10, while we’ve got a pile-up at 11 with Katie and Dave, Claire and Sam, and the 5-pack of Addie, Auden, Charlee, Ginny and Teddy.
At the other end of the spectrum we’ve got Dub stinking it up with 30 (Saint Peter’s and Long Beach State), followed by New Hampshire’s newest resident, Ellie, with 27, and yours truly at 25. Libby and Joe both got their alma maters (Duke and Texas A&M, respectively). Pierce has the all-ACC pairing of NC State and Clemson. The B in Mike B apparently stands for Beehive because he got both Beehive State teams, Utah State and BYU.
So, break out the popcorn, settle in your comfy chair and turn your eyeballs into basketballs this weekend and beyond. Much love to you all.
MeggityHoff 